Hope
by Sita Moonlight
Summary: Post-CwDP How will Buffy cope now that Spike's killing again?


Title: Hope  
Author: Sita  
Summary: Post-CwDP How will Buffy cope now that Spike's killing again?  
Spoilers: Post-"Conversations with Dead People"  
Rating: PG-13 for curse words  
Disclaimer: Buffy The Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon, blah de blah blah blah.....unless *I* want to borrow Spike! hehehe  
  
Song credits go to whoever sang the song in "Conversations With Dead People", if you happen to know the song title and the artist, please let me know! (Also all the lyrics prolly aren't right, so sorry 'bout that!)  
  
AN: Did anyone else notice that Buffy called Spike her boyfriend? I'm sorry, that was just bugging me. And, did that eppy upset you? It sure did upset me. Just, GRRRRRRRRR!  
  
----  
Night Falls  
I Fall  
And where were you?  
Where were you?  
----  
  
I never thought hearing that Spike had sired someone would hurt so much. It felt like a giant hand had taken my heart and torn it from my chest with those words uttered from the vampire.  
  
Spike was killing again.  
  
How could this be? MY Spike? Could it really be the souled Spike? The one who claimed to be madly in love with me? The one would I had hurt so very much by uttering to simple words last year, "it's over."  
  
The thought hadn't crossed my mind in a long time. What would I do if Spike ever killed again? The answer used to be simple, it was: Stake. Dust. Poof.  
  
But, now, now it's not so easy. After everything we've been through together, everything that went on last year, I don't think I could bear to kill him. My feelings for him go deep, deeper than I could've imagined. And hearing the newly sired vampire tell what Spike had done had left me feeling so empty, so numb.  
  
It made me wonder: AM I in love with him?  
  
----  
Warm skin  
Wolf grin  
And where were you?  
----  
  
The tears came shortly after that. It was me sitting on the cold floor of the dark, dusty crypt, rocking myself back and forth as I sobbed.   
  
Emotional pain can really go deeper than any physical wound can do. It can go deeper than death itself. And, right now I didn't know HOW deep the pain was, but I knew it was deeper than any knife could stab.  
  
Yet, it made me wonder: is this pain unnecessary? Should I really be feeling this for a murder? Yet, with Angel it was the same, and I killed him. But, Spike had a soul and he was killing.  
  
None of this made sense to me, as it probably wouldn't to anyone else either. I thought the soul was supposed to make you good, not evil.   
  
Maybe it's not Spike....Maybe it was some guy who had a name like Spike....My brain tries to form excuses. Anything, anyone, but not Spike.  
  
----  
I fell into the moon  
And it covered you in blue  
Can I make it right?  
Can I spend the night....  
----  
  
As I slowly made my way back to my house, my feet dragging against the soft grass, I wondered if he was killing at this very moment. Maybe he was back to his old ways. Maybe Drusilla was even with him.  
  
This thought made me shudder, and I sighed. Why wouldn't these thoughts stop plaguing me? Why do I have to feel this way about Spike?   
  
I hated this. I hated how much this hurt. So all I could ask is Why? Why me? Why him? Why *us*?  
  
----  
High tide  
Inside  
The air is doomed  
And where were you?  
----  
  
With my head down and my feet dragging, I didn't notice when I ran into a cold figure. And, with watery hazel eyes, I looked up. And, there he was, with his bleached-blonde hair and piercing blue eyes.  
  
And I felt so alone looking at him. Making me wondering if he felt the same way. And, without warning I burst into tears, screaming, yelling, pounding on his chest.  
  
"HOW COULD YOU?!"  
  
He looked at me as if I were insane, obviously trying to calm me down, "Buffy I-"  
  
"You sired him! You're killing! I hate you! You fucking bastard!" I collapsed into his arms. "I hate you."  
  
I knew I didn't and I couldn't ever hate him. And, even though I didn't want to be in his arms, I stayed there, sobbing, while he rubbed my back.   
  
And, once I calmed down a little, I looked into his eyes, six single words coming out of my mouth, "I thought I could trust you." My voice was cold and hard, just the way I intended.  
  
"But I-" He started.  
  
But, I didn't let him finish walking away from him, tear stains still on my face. Yet, turning around one more time, "Why?"  
  
And with that, I DID walk away, praying that this was all a dream. Spike WOULDN'T do this to me.  
  
----  
Wild fight  
High tide  
And where were you?  
----  
  
I didn't know where I was going after that, and frankly, I didn't care. And, before I knew where I was, I found myself in his old crypt.   
  
The place looked the same, and I wondered why he didn't return to it. Clem didn't even seem to be here anymore, and I was glad for that. And, I made my way downstairs and into the bed. The sheets still smelled like him.  
  
And I hated everything about this.  
  
Why was I seeking comfort with stuff that was his, if this was all his fault? Why couldn't I keep myself away from him? Why, after he's killing again am I realizing the true extent of my feelings?  
  
Just....why?  
  
----  
I crawled   
And love the world  
When you said I shouldn't stay  
I crawled  
And love the world  
Can I make it right?  
Can I spend the night....  
  
Alone  
----  
  
And, tucked in his sheets, I cried myself to sleep, knowing after this nothing would be the same. Had I lost him forever? I didn't know. And I didn't even know if I'd ever want him again.   
  
But for now, all I could do was hope.  
  
Hope that things would get better.  
  
Hope that this was a dream.  
  
Hope that this was nothing.  
  
Hope that he still loves me.  
  
Hope.  
  
----  
I fell into the moon  
And it covered you in blue  
I fell into the moon  
Can I make it right?  
Can I spend the night....  
  
Alone.  
----  
  
  
  
THE END.  
  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! 


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